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[Monday
October 5th, 2009 at 1:09am] |
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oh wow.
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[Friday
May 29th, 2009 at 4:00pm] |
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twiddle
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[Sunday
November 30th, 2008 at 11:57pm] |
it's arrived.
pumpkin patches have turned into christmas tree lots.
smell of firewood in the air.
seeing my breath as i speak outside in the early morning.
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[Sunday
February 17th, 2008 at 10:49am] |
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hi life is spring.
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[Sunday
June 17th, 2007 at 2:01pm] |
im okay.
him and i were never really even that close.
we may have said i love you a lot back in the day, the days i was to young to remember.
and as i got older i never heard it nor said to him
until about a year ago.
he told me it, so non chantantaly...like it was no big deal
it meant so much to me, after we got off the phone i cried i was so happy.
we were never that close though.
i never had one serious converstation with you about my life, dreams, goals.
but everytime i see a movie where it shows a father and daughter love
i cry, everytime. never fails.
i know you love me, i know you will be there in my life for the big events
when i graduate college, my wedding day, when i have children and so on and so forth.
but.
yeah we never were that close
and now knowing you are on the other side of the world
i feel like i took it for granted.
even though we fought more than we ever got along.
you would always take care of me.
you never let anyone else hurt me...but you...and you would aplogize in your own ways.
and as i got older...you decided to let me finally be me...to bad mom doesnt really still.
and...yeah even though we never really were that close, i really am missing you today
I love you Dad
Happy Fathers Day
Rachel
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[Wednesday
June 6th, 2007 at 12:10am] |
gosh. everyone was right. time goes by so fast the older you get. i can not imagine how fast time will go when i'm 80 :)
my cat is sitting next to me in my papsan chair trying to hog the whole damn thing. oh now he jumped off.
i win.
fucker :)
i havent updated in...days? weeks? months?
life is a-ok.
i'm so sick of complaining about it, and have been for awhile.
i've gotten better at growing up, and realizing when to act like a child.
word of advice
act like a child at happy, exciting, kodak moments times
act like an adult at sad, mad, depressing times.
so many people do it the other way around, and i did too, but its shifting.
cereal is so god damn addicting.
and i really want to befriend a celebrity.
just so when my mom calls and asks me what i'm doing today i can say "Oh not to much just going over to Angelina and Brad's house going to go play with the kids for awhile"
that would be so fun/ny
I have a year and 3 months left at school.
and i'm going to owe $40,000.
that is a lot of dollar bills
i wonder how $40,000 would look like in $1 bills.
that is so much money
and its going to be more, because...hi interest is the devil.
how the hell am i going to do this?
i need an amazing job or an amazing sugar daddy that loves my boyfriend as well when im done with school.
i personally am hoping for the amazing job however a sugar daddy would be a good constelation prize.
i was going to go on the Price is Right and win $50,000 grand playing Plinko, but now that Bob has retired, i just wouldnt feel right about the whole thing.
i can always go on Lingo...anyone else wanna come?
im so tired.
i have to register tomorrow morning for summer classes.
woopity doo dah.
i don't know how to end these entries, maybe thats why i dont update.
i want to write every detail of my life before i stop writing and i can't do that.
i decided to be cheesy and buy cosmo (the magazine) for the sex moves, i'm excited to actually try some of them out.
i think this is a good end note.
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[Wednesday
March 14th, 2007 at 2:27pm] |
finals are here!
i just took two.
so far for my finished classes I have one A and one B and two more to go.
one of my projects is a forecasting project and my partner (Becca) and I are forecasting lingerie for '08.
its pretty fun, but the poor girl has mono and now has food poisioning but she is still helping out a great deal. Yesterday her and i walked all over the fashion district and went to some textiles and fabric stores and got some of the goods for our project.
I can't wait for this project to be over because when it is the quarter is OVER! and I get 2 weeks off.
For 4 of those days Justin and I are going to San Francisco and staying in the most adorable hotel ever.
and we're going to take bart to berkeley so i can show him my favoritest spot in the world, and were going to take it to fremont so he can see where i grew up and of course we're going to be touristy and walk along the golden gate bridge and go to fishermans wharf and all that sillyness.
so about that apartment...well i got it if i want it :) justin and i are going there tonight to look it over one more time to make sure everything will fit.
i'm so tired.
i want a nap but i need to study and work.
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[Wednesday
February 28th, 2007 at 5:51pm] |
i just went and looked at what is possibly the most gorgeous apartment on a student budget.
it's a guest house studio in the rich area of glendale, my backyard would be a koi fish pond with trees galore, and hills lots and lots of hills.
the apartment is yellow and white.
it is so pretty.
i really really want this apartment.
i feel it.
it's for me and for titus.
he'll love looking at the koi fish all day
and i'll love being in it.
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[Friday
February 9th, 2007 at 3:56pm] |
i havent updated in...i dunno about forever?
quick check list.
* yes im still with justin, and i love him more than ever every day.
* school has still taken over my life, but even though i complain about it, i truly LOVE it.
* my grades are awesome still (thank goodness)
* there is this amazing internship for 8-10 weeks that I want so BAD this summer (its in either New York, Seattle, Miami, Minnesota or San Fran)
* i'm so excited for tonight, i get to spend it with the most amazing little girl and Justin. (yay katie...the now 10 yr old i use to be babysit/nanny for when she was 5 yrs old to 7.5) we are all going rock climbing.
* I love Greys Anatomy so flipping much.
* I love that a wear a size 2 now, and weigh less than i ever did in Highschool.
* I miss all of you reading this...
and I came across the most amazing quote yesterday
"know that whatever you are doing is the most beautiful thing"
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[Thursday
December 7th, 2006 at 1:44pm] |
its been so long since ive written a real true defined entry.
now...im not saying i am, but im waiting on a delivery and have fortythree minutes till i start on some homework.
life.
well...its hectic and amazing.
the past 10 weeks at FIDM have been a whirlwind of hardwork,excitement,fears,morehardwork,justinshardwork,some more of justinshardwork,being so incredibly tired,neighborhoodies,neighborhoodies,neighborhoodies,paint,paint,paint,getting nothing lower than a 89 on a project,the smell of rubber cement,visually pleasing things to look at and a lot of boba tea and naked juices. soooo yummy.
i learned a lot in these 10 weeks. not so much about vocabularly or what a allocator versuses a buyer does, or what a CEO and a COO do differently, or what are the 12 main color schemes, how do you create a marketing analysis, a full complete competitve analysis, learning how to make an awesome powerpoint presentation and knowing the name of every shoe designer anyone wears at FIDM.
i mean i know this stuff.
but i've learned so much about myself.
i've learned how far i will go, ive learned i am capable, ive learned its not easy, ive learned you need to sacafrice a part of yourself when you invest into something else, ive learned people are stupid, ive learned people are smart, but yes...ive learned that i am now the type of person that loves to be busy, doing something...i dont know what im going to be doing on my 3 week break...im so use to finishing a project or studying at the laundromat and justin haha, he said "me too" he has done a lot the "designing" for my color/design theory class, i do the painting he does the drawing. I cant draw and hes an amazingly talented artist. hes my hero without him...i wouldnt have survived these ten weeks.
his text mesaages that state "you...we can do this project" and similar ones have made me realize i am not alone.
my mom hasnt been there so much lately, she has a lot on her plate, i understand.
i wish i could tell her everything ive gone through these last 10 weeks...even the parts where ive learned to stash a headband and a pair of earrings in my bag (its a fashion school) to where ive learned how to write a 45 page paper on a huge channel including their target market, location evaulution, their owl merchandise mix (colors,prices,sizes,styles) and thats a lot for a customized clothing store, the history theres more...but my brain is so exhausted...and then i decide to not just turn in a binder cover...but since i did my report on neighborhoodies we (justin and i) made the binder into a hoodie.
heres a photo or two of it.
and the back
it's not over yet though.
i still need to present for 5 min about what i learned for my course project for my retail enviroment class...i am making a lovely power point presentation though...but my teacher leaves the lights on pretty much for it...lame.
i hate public speaking,so much...so much that when i registered for classes today i forced myself to take effective speaking next quarter so i will no longer have this fear.
i know this is a lot about school.
but school has seriously taken over my life.
im looking forward to the next 3 weeks i have off.
im looking forward to relaxing
but im also looking forward to returning and being a busy....bee?? again.
so yeah.
theres an update.
i still need to do some christmas shopping.
i am spending christmas with justins family.
we went back to sacramento for thanksgiving.
i am getting my hair dyed this sunday i hope.
a fun fact (for me) when i started this lj i weighed 128 lbs i now weigh 110.
i got a new credit card and had to call all my auto pay places to tell them this morning which took...1hr 30 min. stupid wait times.
hmm..
my baby titus is still good.
justin and i feed two stray kittens.
there was 3...but he passed away...so i promised the "spirit of meepee(thekittywhopassed) i would feed his brothers.
cuz they use to be to shy to come near us, but now they do...they even let us pet them. :)
im excited for christmas.
i love the smell of it soooo much.
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[Tuesday
October 31st, 2006 at 7:58pm] |
quick update
school has taken over my life.
overall i like it, some parts i hate.
homework is so time consuming.
and i have a bazillon projects for each class.
justin and i will be together for a year on nov 3rd.
hes my everything.
we are going to vegas on the 4th, not for us.
my brother is getting married, yes in vegas. haha
exciting. hes gunna meet my family.
i feed a stray kitten
his name is meepee.
he died :(
he was such a sweet kitty.
im so overwhelmed.
life is pretty good, just overwhelming.
and my mom stresses me out beyond belief.
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[Monday
September 11th, 2006 at 11:52am] |
tap...tap...tap...
i didnt know i was going to write....
here i am...tap...tap...tap....type.
i want to see the new Will Ferrel moving so so so bad.
its called "stranger than fiction"...here i'll be awesome and do a link ♥ click the heart.
i hope that worked.
it doesn't come though till Nov 10th.
i feel myself growing up.
i like it, yes.
i do not like it, yes.
remember when people would say "enjoy your childhood, it goes by so fast?"
well, here I am an adult.
my childhood days are no longer here.
my peers are married.
my peers have children.
my peers have careers.
some of my friends, have these as well.
i love a lot of parts of my life.
but.
i'm also really unsure about a lot of other parts of my life.
and i know i'm not ready to be 100% sure.
its just frusterating, wanting answers knowing fully well you cant get the answer because it simply isnt time for the answer to be...well answered.
TIME.
it
always
comes
down
to
time.
i'm going in circles.
i'm waiting for the Jimmy Eat World "the middle" song not to apply to me anymore.
i just want to feel more secure.
i want to know, i'm not doomed.
as crazy as that sounds.
i just want to know, i will survive growing up and come out of this as a stable, adjusted, caring and loving person just living my life doing the things i enjoy and sharing my life with really wonderful people all the while knowing, i did it. I grew up.
whats the next stage after growing up?
im afraid to ask.
who knows.
this stage probably doesnt ever end.
considering, we are always growing.
i just want the day to come, where I am comfortable with myself.
thats the time...i'm waiting for.
thats my next part in growing up.
i'm not in the beginning of it.
and i'm not nearly at the end.
yet again.
i'm in the middle.
"everything, everything it'll be just fine
everything, everything it'll be alright
It just takes some time
little girl you're in the middle of the
ride"
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[Wednesday
August 23rd, 2006 at 12:01pm] |
i feel like a new born.
i feel like im finally taking my first steps.
yet....i feel like im doing it as an orphan.
pretty much alone.
there arent that many changes coming into my life.
but those that are...are pretty HUGE.
my parents divorcing after 28 years of marriage.
wow. hi? umm.....i have no fucking clue what to say about that really i dont.
i wish i did, so i could get on the process of dealing with it.
but im fucking speechless.
mindless.
i tend to forget about it, because i dont live w/ them anymore.
but i know when i go to visit it will be different.
but more so than that.
I know my mom and dads lives are going to be different.
My mom......i cant imagine her not w/ my dad even if they didnt have the best relationship.
and My dad....theres no way in hell he can survive w/o my mom.
he'll learn that, and i hope hope hope hope to god my mom wont ever take him back after this.
they put the house up on market last week.
the house I lived in for fucking 18 years.
the only house ive ever had.
next time I go to visit.
it wont be there.
some other family will be living there.
thats so mind boggling.
also...
school.
I'm going to FIDM.
I hear good things and bad things about it.
I hear you also need a B.A. to make it afterwards.
I hear you don't if you network correctly.
I hear the people are snobby.
I hear everyone is fake.
I hear there are nice people there.
I hear its a realllly hard school.
I hear its crap after you graduate, you may never get a good job.
I hear you can become successful.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE
i'm investing $20,000 to this.
and here I am unsure.
I know this is what i want to do w/ my life.
but i'm unsure of the school will take me to the places i need to get.
and growing up.
i dont really like it.
i really miss being little, and not being so afraid of everything.
not caring what other people thought about me.
not feeling fatter than the girl next to me.
not feeling ugly.
i loved waking up and watching cartoons.
i loved going to feed ducks w/ my gma.
i loved swimming (god, i loved swimming, its all i would do every summer)
i miss not having to work on myself.
not having to make myself better constantly.
a better person.
a better daughter.
a better girlfriend.
a better friend.
its so overwhelming.
and i know, no one is really asking me to any of these, except me.
but I cant help it.
I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not skinny enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not talented enough.
and its not that I dont believe in myself, because I do.
I've accomplished things that I'm very proud of.
but, its never enough.
yeah....goes w/ the flow doesnt.
when will it be enough for me?
when can i relax?
I DONT KNOW HOW!
my mind is always planning, always wondering, always worrying, always figuring out the next move.
and it seems to be getting worse as I get older.
it needs to stop.
i cant allow myself do that anymore.
its become a big habit.
and its time for me to quit this habit.
people dont know this.
or maybe they do, but we dont discuss it.
but I feel so alone.
I know I have a boyfriend who I see almost everyday.
I know I have friends out here.
but...i need more titus's (my kitty) in my life.
but human titus's.
hah.
i just imagined my cat as a human.
now i'm scared.
i just want friendship to come easy.
with no drama.
no jealousy.
no negative side effects.
i want the best for them, and vice versa.
so yeah basically.
i'm unbalanced.
mentally, physically and emotionally.
not so much spiritually.
i want balance.
and it brings me back me physically having no balance.
i wonder if that plays into my mentally/emotionally not having any.
doctors told my parents "I'd never be a ballarina" (i didnt learn to walk till I was 3ish, cuz of balance issues)
i want to turn that around.
i hear stories about doctors saying so and so will never be this, and they become that and the #1 person at that.
i'm not saying I want to become a prima ballarina...
or maybe I am.
i just want to connect the dots and form a nice balanced line.
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[Monday
July 31st, 2006 at 5:09pm] |
I sometimes feel like I should go OD on Valium.
just so I can escape and be relaxed with stressful situations arise.
such as when friends, family, significant others stress you out,or even a random stranger.
but i realized fuck that, I'm better, stronger, more capable than to just give in and take a substance.
This weekend has been such a huge learning lesson for me.
I wont get into details.
but my friend Melissa texted me with "Did you learn?" (because i sent out a mass text about me learning how to ride a bike this weekend, yes i dont know how, i have no balance, and i sadly didnt learn how to still, because of situations that arose)
but her text me made me laugh, because WOW did I learn.
I learned that you need to learn to laugh at situations, even potentially serious ones, need to sometime be dealt with light heartily.
I learned that you can't always make people happy, and its not my job too.
I learned that even my close friends, dont know where I'm coming from sometimes, they have their own ideas, and thats fine and I cant expect them to understand, I can just hope they do.
I learned that I dont need to explain everything all the time or make sure people understand every detail, who cares if so and so doesnt know the exact details of everything in my life.
I learned that it doesnt matter where you are, who matters who you are with.
I learned that even if it doesnt go as planned, you can still have fun.
I learned that even if things are rough for a moment, they dont need to stay that way.
I learned that people are going to jump at me when they dont need to, and it doesnt mean I did anything wrong, its just a miscommunication, and if we want to resolve it we will.
I learned that I need to give people more lee-way(i dunno how to spell it) I need to be more calm with them, more accepting, more understanding, softer even to strangers, I need to listen more and be more accommodating.
I learned that there are a few people out there who to really care about me.
and its the surprising ones who do.
I learned I need to focus on them more.
I learned I'm still growing up, and figuring out who I want to become.
I may be more aware, but I'm still "in the middle". (jimmyeatworldesque)
I am learning being happy isnt so bad afterall.
and I'm still learning how to not worry so much,
but It will come, and it already is, but like i said i'm in the middle still and i'm okay with that.
so yeah, like I said this was a big learning lesson weekend for me.
and I plan to take all I learned and use it when ever necessary.
I didnt have internet for 2 days. boo.
and i chipped my back tooth while eating a yummy sandwich, and its painful.
I went to the dentist today sat there for 2 hours for nothing, except x rays and to tell me to come back on wednesday.
oh well soft foods again till then.
I'm so happy the weather as cooled down.
I'm so happy that my boyfriend still surprises me with sweet things (a napkin flower)
I'm so happy that i have this cute orange cat who cuddles with me on a daily basis.
I'm so happy i got into FIDM.
I'm so happy its almost my birthday.
I'm so happy i fit into a size 3 the other day and it was semi lose and instead of being a 28/29 I'm now a s 26/27.
I'm so happy i have the internet again.
I'm so happy i had people over my apartment this weekend, even though my bathroom and apartment were a HUGE mess, people still had FUN, come back again soon K, i cleaned today :) its sparkling, except for the dishes.
hah.
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[Monday
July 24th, 2006 at 8:17am] |
today is the BIG day.
@12:30ish i find out a big part of my FUTURE.
today is FIDM interview day. (the last interview)
i had pink eye last thursday, so my interview got postponed.
and now i'm still sick and kind of dont have a voice, but I dont care, I'm going in there and presenting my project I worked my ASS off on. I love it. I LOVE IT. and regardless of what happens I know I did my very best.
I also got a job at at American Eagle.
so yay for a second job.
this job is so i can get my foot in the door for my career.
my first job is so i can survive and make ends meet.
come October, if i do get into FIDM it will be my priority.
and we will see if I can keep up the 2 jobs and school.
anyways.
just wanted to share.
Oh and this is how i got the job at American Eagle.
I go in to try some clothes, i see two workers saying something about how someone vomitted on the clothes while trying it on and i say "oh, and i was just going to ask if i could work here" and the girl goes "YES, if you want to sort through vomitted on clothes with us" and she sends me over to the hire manager, and he gives me an application, I fill it out and while I am he asks if I have 5 min afterwards to talk I say yes. So I go into the back room with him and he ends up interviewing me, usually he does group interviews so it was hard on him LOL, I'M SO GLAD I LUCKED OUT OIN THAT i hate group interviews.
so he interviews me and says he wants to say i'm hired but he wants to check the references first. So I go back out into the store and he asks if I have any questions, I say "Nope, just wondering if i can shop in here now?" and he says "Yes, please do and when you work here you get 40% off" and then so I buy some things and while in line this girl that works there, called to help the next customer in line but he wasnt listening so I tapped him on the shoulder and told him and the girl was like "awh yay, thank you i hope you get the job here" LOL. so yeah...as I was walking out the hire manager told me he was calling my references and i said "okay tell them i say Hi" LOL and then i got home listened to my answer machine and he offered me the job.
I start wednesday.
so yeah.
I had a nice weekend.
Justin and I went to the beach and saw lightning, and tried to win a stuffed animal on a water game thingie.
and yeah, I finished up my project for FIDM and im good to go.
thats the update.
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[Monday
July 17th, 2006 at 8:27am] |
yesterday consisted of
102.3 temp
chills/sweating
not wanting to eat much (grapes and popsicles and a bagel)
then my fever went down to 100.0 where it stayed at most of the day
and i slept a lot in the HEAT.
Justin went to the grocery store 3 times yesterday.
cuz I wanted bagels, and then he wanted food, and then i wanted bagels again.
but i only ate one.
and yeah. I'm lucky I have him.
but I miss my friends.
a lot.
I need to be better by Thursday.
I have my acceptance interview for FIDM then.
my entrance project is coming together nicely though.
but i need to finish it.
k back to bed for a lil bit.
im woozy.
but feel better than yesterday.
my neighbor Jen had this last week.
i didnt know it was possible to get the flu in the summer.
but it is.
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[Friday
July 14th, 2006 at 11:55am] |
"Most of us don't really have a very good ability to concentrate the mind at will, unless something really grabs our attention. Now, few things really grab your attention like a serious illness, and actually my friend and colleague Dr. Naomi Remen has sometimes said that illness could possibly be a peculiarly Western form of meditation, in that it sometimes grabs our attention like nothing else."
i agree with this.
if i didnt get "sick" a few years back i would never have been as aware of my body as I am now.
in a way im grateful that i went/am going through what i am, because im so much more connected to my mind, body and soul.
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[Thursday
July 6th, 2006 at 5:08pm] |
where to start...
so Justin and I have been studying for my math assessment for FIDM a TON!
he has taught me so much, but I took the test today and seriously the stuff on their review is not the stuff on the test.
I studied geometry and algebra and fractions and percentages
the test was fractions yes, but ALL fractions and they arent my strong point.
and i took it today and got a 12/20 :(
but i did good on the english assessment. 19/20
I also turned in my essays which my advisor said were fantastic.
and i need to finish my entrance project, i have it all written down now i need to make it come to life.
It's about me being a store owner and talking about the demographics of my average customer.
I'm going to go buy a black notebook (for scrapbooking) and put in pictures of clothing I want in my store, and the types of customers I will have, and make it artsy.
i have till July 20th.
on July 20th, 2006 I will know if i will become a FIDM student.
my GPA is the only thing in the way.
1.6, yes. that was my gpa in highschool and for college its a 2.0.
I dont really have any explanation except i wasnt motivated before...i was going without a purpose...
and now...I think about FIDM on a daily basis and how i cant wait to get started there and start on my journey to MY CAREER!
I meet with the director on July 20th, and basically my advisor says I need to explain the situation be honest and speak from the heart, I'm just going to go in there and do the best I can.
I heard people do get accepted with lower GPAs.
so I'm still in the game :)
I just got an email from a girl who is going to go to FIDM, and she is asking me about the school and how I like it, because she is moving across the country for this school.
I know its where I want to be.
for anyone who wants to read...here are my essays
Part 1. asked me to explain why I am choosing FIDM as my school
Part 2. asked me to talk about why I am choosing Merch Marketing as my major and to also describe my goals and aspirations upon graduating from FIDM
( Essays )
I also found out since I have stock money, I'm not eligble for free money from the government.
so Hi to being 20,000 in debt, if i get accepted.
I NEED TO.
I WONT ACCEPT ANYTHING ELSE (if you read the essays you know why)
The directors name is Gale thats all I know about her, but meaning of Gales name means to 'gives joy' (so she better)
she has to like me, she will like me and she will see how serious and eager and excited I am.
Yes she will.
anyways.
my 4th was fun, Justin and I went out to my friend Stacys house and hung out with her and some other people and watched fireworks in a park on a pretty high hill, with lots of big bees, but we didnt see very many except the people in her neighboorhood have the hook ups, because they had REAL FIREWORKS!!! and were shooting them off, it was pretty.
then a neighbor of hers gave us cupcakes cuz they had extra.
it was fun.
k. im hungry.
so thats the update.
as for europe.
its not happening :(
but montreal is still a possibility.
i hope
oh and ( my attempt at being sexy )
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[Tuesday
June 27th, 2006 at 8:09am] |
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mood |
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the weathers hot.
yet looks like its going to pour.
its very conflicting.
i half want hot chocolate half want to go to the ocean.
i guess i can have both.
i dont want to go alone though.
everyones so busy with their own lives.
i have my boyfriend.
but everyone else seems so hard to reach, make plans with, get ahold of.
im still doing the FIDM thing.
i have part 1 of my essay done and the beginning of part 2 done, im finishing that today.
tomorrow i'm doing the entrance project, and giving out the reference forms to people.
and im almost done studying for the math assessment.
i'm excited and scared about this whole process.
excited about almost everything except scared that i may not get in.
yesterday i got the creepiest note on my car.
it said
"I like your boy (or body, we cant figure it out to be exact) and I like you too and then theres a # and a name that looks like Neil and then says will LU2 or will LV2"
so I call it, and he says his name is Nick, and he doesnt remember what he wrote but he wanted to ask me out, and I said I had a boyfriend and he said he didnt know hes sorry.
and then Justin wanted to call LOL. and he apologized again.
but so CREEPY.
i swear it says i like your boy and you too.
im hungry.
but i cant move my car, cuz its street cleaning day and if i move it, i'll never get parking until after 10 a.m.
and i have no food here except for chicken nuggets.
this entry is getting me no where.
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[Tuesday
June 13th, 2006 at 12:37pm] |
my ode to white legs
i will be tan
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angeltoes's journal